Unfulfilled Dreams: Parent-Child Estrangement

            Most parents dreamily anticipate how meaningful life will be when they become grandparents. They have visions of being proud guests at their offsprings’ weddings and holiday celebrations.  Grandparents who love to host, imagine roasting a succulent turkey for their children and grandchildren for Thanksgiving dinner. And for the winter holidays they imagine their cups will runneth over at joyful family get-togethers.

           In our book, Enough of Us: Why we should think twice before making children, we include a chapter on the problems that children inflict on parents. While kids often bring much joy to their parents and grandparents, there are no guaranties; not nearly. And often the inflicted damage is traumatic.

            For many parents, what they are anticipating is really a move to an ideal land, but one that requires a reality check at the border. There are many parents who will never experience the longed-for fulfillment of that lovely family vision because they have an estranged adult child or children. There are web sites devoted to such a syndrome and a list of books related to the topic of estrangement with titles such as When Parents Hurt by J. Coleman and Family Estrangements: how they begin, how to mend them, how to cope with them by B. Lebey.

            Parents in this predicament are generally bewildered, sad and guilt-ridden. They spend time working to “fix it,” and eventually try to accept their child’s emotional distance. (www.estrangedparentsofadultchildren.com).

            Ellis’s mother experienced such trauma in her relationship with him. Their relationship had been an unloving and bitter one for most of his life. At age 31 he decided that their relationship was too toxic for his own well-bewing. For two years he did not speak to her. It was only when he was getting ready to move from New York City – where his mother also lived – to Los Angeles that he called to say good-bye. Those two years were a difficult time for his mom. (Just a footnote – eventually things turned around and his mother moved to Los Angeles to be near him and Cheryl).

           The worst instances of estrangement are when children cut off their parents without explaining why. “Estranged adult children are individuals who all of a sudden do not respond to email messages, do not return phone calls and stop coming over.” When parents attempt to meet face-to-face, their child refuses to relate to them. Most of these parents thought they had a good relationship with their adult child; hence their bewilderment about being so thoroughly rejected. 

Jon Voight happily reunites with daughter Angelina Jolie after she cut him off for seven years. Photo: YourCelebrityStuff.com.

(www.estrangedparentsofadultchildren.com/Site/Stages.html)

            An article in the April/May issue of AARP The Magazine, examines the problem of children “divorcing” their parents. The article, “The Stranger in Your Family” by Meredith Mara, postulates that apparently there has been a rise in parent-child estrangements, which may be related to a couple of factors.

            According to San Francisco psychologist Joshua Coleman, “The high divorce rate means fewer children see themselves as part of an unbreakable family unit.”  Coleman also blames our culture’s “me-first mentality,” which supports individual fulfillment over tradition or a sense of duty.  

            Mara interviewed Elizabeth Vagnoni, who is estranged from two sons. Vagnoni conducted a survey of estranged parents for her web site, Estranged Stories (www.estrangedstories.com). The survey indicates that almost one out of three parents estranged from their children has considered suicide. Vagnoni points out that when the primal bond between parent and child is broken, “parents feel they’ve failed as a human being.”

            Vagnoni’s survey solicited responses from alienated children as well. Sixty-one percent said they would resume a relationship with their parents only if specific conditions were fulfilled. Sixty percent wanted their parents to apologize, and almost half said they bore “no responsibility” for the estrangement.

            Whether these offspring are wrong or right in their decisions to distance themselves from their parents, the fact remains that children come with no promises. Would-be parents who believe they will be fulfilled at some time when their kids are grown may want to take another look at their own expectations, as well as think twice before making children.

            Kahlil Gibran, author of the classic book The Prophet, expresses it best in this passage from “On Children”:

            And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said,

            Speak to us of Children.

            And he said:

            Your children are not your children.

            They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.

            They come through you but not from you,

            And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

             It is important to keep in mind that parents do not own, nor can they control, their adult children – thank goodness. There are no guarantees of happy endings.

 

Comments

  1. Roxanne says:

    I am estranged from both of my daughters. These are my only children. My youngest daughter is 33, and I have not seen her in 10 years. She lives in England with her husband and my two granddaughters. I feel there are more, but I will never know. She did send me a message on facebook in 2012. It was so hateful and cruel that I knew there was no way to ammend what I have done wrong
    My oldest daughter 40, sometimes sees and calls me. It has been almost two years now. I never get to see my three grandsons. The third child she had and didn’t tell me she was pregnant. I met him when he was 18 months old.
    Yes, I am the cause of a lot of the problem I have apolized numerous times. I have learned to go on and try to live my life. I do not except my children to call me, or visit. Holidays are extremely hard. I keep this secret to myself out of shame. Very few people know the truth.
    I was in an abusive relationship with my children’s father. He knew how to bully me. When my youngest daughter was 12, he wanted her to live with him. I did not fight in court for her, but instead let my xhusband bully me again. His wife blocked all my calls to my daughter. I never thought to seek legal advice about this. I had custody of her.
    I am bi-polar and have my moods. I just gave up. I felt that if she wanted to live with her Father, then I would let her. I raised my two daughters the majority of the time by myself. I was a mother since I was 18 years old. My children’s Father never really supported them or had much to do with them during their younger years. He wouldn’t even get up in the middle of the night if they cried.
    My oldest daughter was a terrible teenager. She caused me much misery. She was diviant and never listened to anything I had to say. At 19 she moved out with her boyfriend who is now her husband. I did not want her to move. She never had to do any housework. I always wanted her to love me, but she didn’t.
    I am no deadbeat parent. After my xhusband got custody of my youngest daughter, I paid child support until she was 18. I worked overtime for 6 years to pay it. Never missed a payment. Even though I paid on time, my Xhusband did not let me have communication with my daughter. I missed her life, because of him.
    Yes, I deserve to be hated by my children. At one time I hated my own parents. They were verbally abusive to me. My Father drank, and my Mother worked 3p-11p and I hardly ever saw her. I was a latchkey child. I thought I could never forgive my parents. But, as I matured I forgave. I was there with both of them when they died. I got to say my goodbyes and tell them I loved them and I was sorry for what I had done.
    I am crying now. It hurts too much to go on.

    • Did my best says:

      I could have been the author of this post. My story is so similiar. It takes extensive work to survive this pain but it can be done. I recommend the book Adult Children of Immature Parents. Most of can relate to childhood wounds affecting us. We cross a bridge when we forgive our own parents. That’s when the healing starts. Then we face the next bridge. Our adult children have to be ready to meet us. That’s the difficulty.

    • Veronica Huggins says:

      I have a 22 year old son who disowned my family 5 years ago and refuses to discuss with anyone his choice to disown his family. For the past 5 years he has been living with my former pastor and has even got so far as to drop his family name and take on this pastors family name. I suspect some brain-washing was involved but I left that church 4 1/2 years ago. He refuses to answer texts, phone calls, and emails. When I try to contact him this pastor intervenes and tells me that my son wants nothing to do with me at all, which I find disturbing because he and I had always been close. His father left when I was 3 months pregnant. Only a week before he left home he couldn’t seemingly get enough time with me, telling me constantly how much he loved me and being like my shadow. Two weeks later I was the worst mother ever and told I had never been a mother to him. I am devastated by his sudden hatred towards me and perhaps will never know why he felt the need to cut me off rather than estrange himself from me for the last 5 years.

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